Shade of l337
by Subieko
Summary: A retelling of the prologue, rescue at Gilead, and final battles scenes from Eragon...except this time, Durza has learned l337speak, and will use it to pwn the elves!
1. Shade of l337

Author's Note: So...this is a one-shot that popped into my head at random. It's...kinda strange. Really strange, actually. And I don't actually speak l337 (leet)--all l337speak is courtesy of the excellent Wikipedia article. And yes, I actually looked up l337speak so I could write the l337 dialogue. And yes, I am having entirely too much fun typing l337. But, hey, l337 roxorz! ...just kidding. Translations for the l337speak are at the end. And just in case anyone fluent in l337 reads this...yes, I realize this isn't _real_ l337. But I did my best. Enjoy, n00bz!

Shade of Fear: l337 style!

Durza grinned fiendishly as he waited for the elven princess to arrive, bearing the precious egg. His plan was foolproof! Obviously there was nothing better for an ambush than hiding thirty Urgals in extremely close quarters while they grunted and shuffled around!

Horses were coming down the path. "Hey," said one of the elven guards. His name is Glenwing, although it doesn't really matter since he's going to die in a few sentences. "I think I hear some grunting and shuffling. What if there's a trap up ahead?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Glenwing," said the other elven guard. His name is Faolin, and he is slightly more important than Glenwing, because although he too will die in the next few sentences, Arya will later angst about him in a romance scene with Eragon. "No one would be stupid enough to be that noisy if they were lying in ambush!"

Durza grinned even wider. What fools! They had been completely taken in by his brilliant plan.

"700k out, n00bz! Kekekekeke!" he cried as sprang out of hiding. He raised his hand and cried the words of the l33tspeak: "Pwnage!"

A burst of red light came from his hand and pwnd the two elven guards. See? I told you they would die. The elven princess, however, leapt from her horse and survived, thanks to her disturbing cat reflexes. Her name is Arya, and she is a very important character because she is the Love Interest™.

"What happened!?" Arya cried, apparently not noticing the horde of Urgals, all of whom were still hiding. Durza's brilliant plan hadn't included anything for them to do besides grunt and shuffle.

"W00t! I 4m t3h roxorx!" Durza said. "4nd I pwnd j00, n00b. 4ll jor 84s3 4r3 83l0ng t0 u5!"

"What? I can't understand a word you're saying!"

"83(4u53 I 4m t3h uberl337, 4nd j00 4r3 t3h suxorz, lol! Pwnage!"

"Would please talk like a real person now?"

"Itz tim3 t0 g3t t3h uberl337 3gg, gi\/3 it t0 m3!"

"Whatever, I don't have time to talk to you, you weirdo. I have to send the egg away before I am captured!" Arya raised the egg in the air and began chanting words in the Ancient Language. However, the Ancient Language was not as powerful as the new language Durza had learned: l337speak. This language allowed him to haxorz her spell, and the egg fell to the ground again.

"Pwnage!" Durza cried. "ZOMG I 4m t3h uberl337!!!111elevenzorz!"

"Damn—how did you do that!?" Arya cried as Durza tucked the egg into his pack. Because all fantasy characters have omnipresent packs that carry all of their belongings, of course.

"Thi5 5 t3h uberl4ngu4g3, 4n) i7 pwnz t3h 4//(i3//t l4ngu4g3, d00d!"

"Does Galbatorix know about this?"

Durza scowled. "Th4t n00b i5 t3h suxorixorage! h3 )03s//'t 4ppr3(4t3 t3h l337speak!"

Arya nodded. "Oookay…I think I understand at least a few words of that. Join the Varden, and we will vanquish Galbatorix and end his…er…suxorixorage!"

Durza grinned. "//0vv j00 4r3 t3h roxorx, lol lol! L3t'5 g0 pwnzorz t3h ki//g 0f suxorixorage!"

They shook hands, and Durza haxord them back to the Varden stronghold, where they were hailed as t3h uberl337. The Urgals, meanwhile, continued to shuffle around awkwardly until they were eaten by a horde of squirrels.

The end. Or as Durza would say…t3h 3//d, n00bz!

Author's Note: Okay...basically, Durza's lines go as follows:

"Look out, noobs! (noobs morons, sort of) (insane laughter)! Pwnage (instead of garjzla. Basically, he knocks 'em dead. Literally, in this case.)!"

"Woot, I rock! And I pwnd you, noob. All your base are belong to us!" (that last sentence is a pretty famous piece of 'Engrish'--a bad translation from Japanese. It's from Zero Wing, and again, there's an excellent article on Wikipedia).

"Because I am the uberleet (absolute best), and you suck, ha! Pwnage!"

"It's time to get the uberleet (really awesome) egg, give it to me!"

"Pwnage! Oh my god, I'm the uberleet (absolute best)!!!!"

"This is the uber language (best language), and it pwns the ancient language, dude!"

"That noob sucks, he doesn't appreciate leetspeak!"

"Now you rock, ha! Let's go pwn the king of sucky-ness!"

"The end, noobs."

...as you can see, it isn't really neccessary to understand what he's saying, because he never says anything that important. (laughs)


	2. Saving Private l337

Author's Note: Yes, I realize I said it was only a one-shot...but this idea popped into my head and, well, I added a part two. This is REALLY it, though. This one has much less actual l337speak and more random jokes and fourth-wall-breaking. Enjoy!

Saving Private l337

(or, why you shouldn't shoot a man who knows l337 in the head)

Eragon and Murtagh barreled though the corridors, searching for the elven maiden's cell. Eragon had seen it in his dream—surely it was here somewhere!

"Wait—it's a guard!" Eragon said. He and Murtagh ducked back behind a conveniently placed pillar. All fantasy dungeons have large pillars standing around at random, after all.

The guard ambled forward, totally unaware that anything was amiss, even though Durza would obviously have told everyone to search for the escaped prisoners. But all fantasy dungeon guards are idiots—it's part of the job description.

"Freeze, guard!" Eragon cried, leaping out from behind the pillar dramatically. "Tell us where the elf is, or I'll stick this red-hot grain of sand in your stomach!"

The guard mouthed silently for a moment.

"He's terrified," Eragon said proudly. "I _knew_ that was a good threat!"

Murtagh raised an eyebrow. "Umm…maybe not, Eragon. I think he's trying not to laugh."

Murtagh was right. The guard finally managed to gasp. "Wh-what kind of threat is th-th-th-that? Ahahahaha! Grain of sand—hah!"

"Grr…tell us where she is, or else! I'll use my magic powers on you!"

The guard's face drained of blood. Murtagh and Eragon had to take a quick step back to avoid getting it on their boots. Somehow, the guard was still alive, although very pale now. "I'll never talk. If I did…the _Shade_ would use his powers on me."

Murtagh glanced around. "Where's that ominous music coming from?"

"Setting the mood," Eragon said, waving a hand. "And my powers are just as impressive as his!"

The guard just shook his head. "No, you don't understand—he's mastered—"

"Haxorz!" said a voice from behind them. The guard vanished in a puff of smoke, and Eragon and Murtagh whirled around. It was Durza, grinning fiendishly! And behind him was…was…Arya, the elf from Eragon's dream!

"It's her!" Eragon cried. "Murtagh, we must rescue her!"

Durza rolled his eyes. "Do you even know Murtagh's name yet in the canon?"

"It hardly matters," Arya said. "This is so un-canon it's not even funny."

"IT IS _SO_ FUNNY," boomed a voice from the sky. "NOW STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL AND FINISH THE STORY!"

"Authors," Durza said, sighing. "But anyway…freeze, you insignificant fools. I will take you to the king, and then I can finally stop guarding this stupid fortress."

Eragon clenched his fists. "Grrr…never! I'll use my magic on you—brisingr!"

Durza lazily raised a hand. "Haxorz," he said again. The spell vanished.

"But—how did you do that!?" Eragon cried.

"It's l337speak," Arya said. "It's even more powerful than the Ancient Language…you can't defeat it. Just surrender peacefully—it'll be better that way."

"Arya, you've…sided with Durza?" Eragon whispered, his eyes filling with tears. "But—but—NO! You're _my_ love-interest!"

"Not anymore," Arya said. "From now on, I'm the Main Female Character! Love interesting is for loser characters!"

"That's right," Durza said. "Being a love interest is t3h suxorixorage. Join us, Murtagh! You don't have to stay with that idiot!"

"But I don't know l337speak," Murtagh said.

"That's all right—Arya doesn't either. I can train you. Together, we can rule the world!"

Murtagh nodded. "All right…just as long as you don't say you're my father."

"Hey—that was a bad reference to another work of fiction! Which we are _not_ plagiarized from, I might add," Eragon said, stamping his foot, his brow furrowed.

Durza sighed. "I thought it might turn out this way. Pwnage, n00b!"

Eragon fainted, and Durza tied him up. "Guard, take him to the king. …guard?"

"You haxored him," Arya reminded Durza.

"Oh—right. In that case, I suppose we'll just have to bring him ourselves."

Arya nodded. "Let's call Saphira—she can take Murtagh and Eragon to the king."

"What about you two?" Murtagh said. "And how can you be sure Saphira will join us?"

Arya shrugged. "She's one of the most downtrodden, abused characters of all. The poor dear will gladly free herself from Eragon's clutches. And we'll find something to do…right?"

"Right," Durza said. "So get going, Murtagh—the King is not as…_forgiving_ as I am."

"Enough with the Star Wars jokes," Eragon mumbled in his unconsciousness. Arya kicked him lightly in the ribs, and he fell silent again.

"All right," Murtagh said, walking off. "I'll do it."

Arya nodded. "He had no chance for survival…he should have made his time."

"And now all his base are belong to us. Well, we did set him up the bomb."

"That's true," Arya said. "Maybe we should rename Saphira 'Zerg'."

"Could be catchy," Durza said. "Now…l37'5 g0, 4ry4—vv3 h4v3 4 vv0rl) t0 (0nquer!"

Arya nodded. "For great justice!"

And so they walked off together, having successfully defeated the Ultimate Gary Stu. (now that Arya had joined the villains, she no longer counted as a Mary Sue. According to Galbatorix's Official Alagaesian Mary-Sue Guidelines, voluntarily going out with Durza was enough to make _anyone_ stop being a Mary-Sue.) Alagaesia would never be the same…

The end. Or as Durza would say…t3h 3n), n00bz! For real this time.

Author's Note #2: translation of the l337speak: haxorz is just a word for hacking something, like computer hacking. Durza's line at the end says, 'let's go, Arya--we have a world to conquer!' The little dialogue between Durza and Arya at the end are all references to Zero Wing, a hilariously badly translated game.


	3. A Very l337 Ending

Author's Note: After a long, long time procrastinating...I wrote a third chapter for this. Durza only appears three times in Eragon, so I figured I might as well do one of these for each...this chapter has some video game jokes (not of specific games, just general ones, like boss monsters having Final Forms), so...yeah, that's what those are. Well...I hope you enjoy it.

Subieko

A Very l337 Ending

A messenger rushed into Ajihad's office, gasping for breath. Ajihad slowly turned around in his leather chair, gnawing on a cannoli.

Then his daughter, Nasuada, coughed pointedly, and Ajihad remembered he was supposed to be a medieval leader, not a mob boss.

The messenger, not noticing any of this, waved his arms frantically. "Lord Ajihad, the Urgals are coming! The Urgals are coming!"

Ajihad rolled his eyes. "Yeah, right. Who do you think you are, Paul Revere?"

Nasuada coughed again, reminding her father that he was a medieval leader, not a modern-day American.

"But sir, it's true! Our scouts have discovered something very shocking--a huge army of Urgals is coming!"

"WHAT!?" Ajihad said, his jaw dropping. "But--but--how could we not notice this before? Shouldn't our scouts have realized that an _army_ was approaching!?"

The messenger shrugged. "Well, we DID notice several hundred thousand Urgals marching past our base, but we didn't think it was important enough to bother you with."

Ajihad buried his face in his hands. "All right...what are our options?"

Orik, Ajihad's dwarven adviser, stepped forward. "Well, Lord Ajihad, Tronjheim can hold the entire dwarven race in times of trouble."

"You're right, Orik," Ajihad said. "We must send all civilians into the surrounding valleys at once!"

Orik blinked several times. "But...sir...what about the Urgals? Won't the civilians be in danger?"

"That's true," Ajihad said, frowning. "I've got it--we'll open up some of the largest tunnels so all the Urgals will come inside Tronjheim! Then the civilians we're sending to the surrounding valleys will be safe!"

Everyone just gaped at Ajihad in awe. No wonder he was their supreme leader...the man was a genius.

-o-o-o-o-o-

"Wheeee!" Eragon said as he whooshed down the dwarves' massive slide. No, he wasn't on the playground. The middle of a battle for the fate of the world or some such thing, actually.

"Mwahahaha...now I have you right where I want you!" said Durza, who was waiting at the bottom for the traditional Boss Battle. Eragon would probably get some sort of cool magical item at the end--like a magic instrument to wake up the windfish, or something.

"Now...let's go!" Eragon cried, drawing his sword, Zar'roc. He threw the extra glottal stop at Durza, momentarily distracting the Shade.

Before Eragon could slash him with Zar'roc--Zarroc now that the glottal stop was gone--Durza shielded himself with his unnecessary capital letter! He was now merely a shade, but it was worth it.

"Oh yeah?" Eragon said, scowling. "Well take this--umlaut attack!"

"Aaagh!" Durza cried, trying to fend off the overwhelming power of the umlauts. "You won't beat me that easily! Consonant cluster attack!"

Eragon was battered by clusters such as the 'ngr' in 'brisingr', and he threw up his hands to shield himself. "Not...fair...this didn't happen...in the book..."

"Oh cry me a river," Durza said. "Did you see the movie? Be glad I'm not riding some giant smoke monster thing."

"You'll never beat me," Eragon said, parrying a blow. "I'm the Main Character--I can't lose!"

Durza smirked a very evil smirk. "Not anymore, little Eragon...not anymore. Haxorz!"

With the power of his l337speak, Durza shattered Eragon's powerful Character Shield. "You're finished."

Eragon glared at Durza. "Not yet, I'm not...get ready to face my Final Form!"

"But only villains are supposed to have final forms!" Durza said with a gasp. Before his disbelieving eyes, Eragon transformed into...Ultimate Gary Stu: Final Form! In one hand he held his five-foot-long sword, in the other he prepared a magical attack! His intense eyebrows were all the facial expression he needed!

"This is the end for you...a mere minor villain can never defeat the Main Character!" Eragon cried.

"Maybe not," Durza said, backing away slowly. "But there is one thing that can kill a Main Character..."

Eragon ignored his foe. It was high time for some maniacal laughter--all Final Forms needed to use maniacal laughter at some point. "Muahahaha...muahahaha...MUAHAHAHA!"

At that moment, the Star Sapphire above Eragon exploded! Arya soared down on Saphira's back just in time to--

--kill Eragon.

"...TKing," Durza finished with a smirk from safely outside the rain of sapphire shards. "Gets 'em every time."

"That's what you get for making me a Love Interest!" Arya said, kicking Eragon aside as she walked over to Durza.

"Kill-stealer," Durza said.

Arya shrugged. "Think of it as a...team effort."

"Like flanking benefits?" Durza suggested.

"Don't get started on those, they're as confusing as the new Attack of Opportunity rules..."

Durza glanced around. "Wait, why are the Varden troops fighting each other?"

"Because we defeated their leader?" Arya said, just as confused as Durza.

"...oh. I see," Durza said. "Then...victory is ours!"

The Urgals cheered, and Murtagh grinned. "Great--now I can be the main character!"

"What about me?" Durza protested.

"That would never work," Arya said. "You don't have fangirls."

"I do so!" Durza said.

"No, you don't," Arya said firmly. "You're taken."

"I'm just as cool as Murtagh--wait, what?"

And then Subieko finally got around to writing that kiss scene she's been meaning to do.

"Wait, we don't even get a description? Not even a _sentence_?" Arya said, shaking her fist up at the ceiling.

"Who are you talking to?" Durza said.

Arya sighed. Oh well. Maybe in some other fanfic. "No one. Hey...Durza?"

"Yeah?"

"All my base are belong to you."

"...me too."

-o-o-o-o-o-

And on that extremely romantic note, Alagaesia was never the same.

Second Author's Note: TK-ing stands for Team Killing--that's when, in multiplayer games, one of your teammates kills you. Kill Stealing is another MMORPG (massive multiplayer online roleplaying game) thing--you're fighting an enemy, and have almost defeated it, when another player comes in and finishes it off first, thus getting the treasure and experience, even though you did the work. The Windfish is from Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening--in that game, you got a magical instrument after each boss battle. A Character Shield has nothing to do with video games--that's when in a story, it's obvious that a character isn't going to die, fail, etc., because otherwise the story wouldn't work. Flanking and Attack of Opportunity rules are fro, D&D--in version 3.5, Attack of Opportunity had just been introduced, and it was insanely confusing. So...yes. Just thought I'd explain, in case I did so poorly in the actual fic...hope you liked it.


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